Power rankings for the Animal War meme

Someone had to do it

Jeremy White
January 24, 2018 - 2:21 pm

Photo: Brad Penner - USA TODAY Sports

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Maybe you've seen this tweet... maybe not...

Congratulations, your life will never be the same. This tweet had us talking this morning and the reaction to it is pretty great. I don't know if there's any team of animals that can win, but let's get a few things straight. There's a hierarchy here.

9.) Crocs /Alligators - They live on golf courses. They only "hunt" when things that can't swim fast enough come near them. They can't move sideways. They can't track zig-zag patterns. They lay around all day to warm their blood... I mean get real. Crocs are dead last.

8.) Man with a rifle - Listen, it's great to have a gun as an equalizer in this matchup, but if any one these animals were bent on taking this guy down, they would. The picture appears to be of a gun that isn't powerful enough to take down a bear on its own. You're certainly standing no chance against the eagles or rats. The guy with a gun would get dominated.

7.) Buffalo - Much like the Bills they're all about defense and little attack. They're going to take someone out in the process, but not prone for attack or violence they have to stay near the bottom. All the buffalo highlights I see are defending turf or young and fighting off lions. The lions always get away and regroup and probably just take the buffalo down later in the day.

6.) Wolves - Pack hunters here. They're not all that big or strong as compared to the rest of the field. It feels cool to have wolves on your side, and I think Game of Thrones has us all feeling like it'd be sweet to have our own wolf, right? I seem to remember a pack of wolves getting scared off in Look Who's Talking Too so... points against the wolves.  

5.) Lions - The sleepiness of the crocs with the pack hunting of the wolves and the weapons of the bears. They're middling it.

4.) Rats - Ya gotta respect 10,000 but having them any higher than this doesn't feel right. The rats wouldn't have enough food to sustain, and the weaker rats would die, and get eaten by the rest of the rats. I think the rats are a big contender to lose through attrition.  

3.) Gorillas - Total package of strength and size and brutality. Congo is a terrible movie, but those gorillas had lasers and appeared to know martial arts. If it's those gorillas, they're jumping up a spot.

2.) Bears - Same, but with claws. Grizzlies don't mess around. Did you see Leonardo DiCpario try to shoot that bear in The Revenant? Now imagine three of them.  

1.) Eagles - It's not even close. Eagles give me the aerial element. They're a matchup nightmare for the rats. They can gouge eyes, and drag opponents off a cliff or something (search that on youtube if you don't believe me). FIFTY eagles is the key in this whole thing. Dominant killing force. 

 

***I 'm not responsible for scientifically inaccurate statements in this piece***

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